A stranger is a friend you haven’t met yet...

In the beginning everything terrified me here. I couldn’t imagine how I would ever be able to go anywhere on my own. It was one of the greatest challenges I have faced on any of my trips.

It took me time… but now I’m just part of the flow.. I cross the streets with confidence, bargain with the CNG and rickshaw drivers without blinking and when they try to fool me I let them not know that I am not the right person to fool… I know a few of the trading people in the street who are greeting me and smiling whenever I meet them. I know the good places for eating out. I sleep without noticing the construction people making noise outside my room or the mosque calling for prayers at 4.30am. I don’t get intimidated by the local people starring at me, now I know that most of them stare just ut of curiosity and not because I’m doing something wrong…  I know the way to Grameen, to the local shops and markets (at least better than some local Dhaka students ;) ) All this has made my life much eaiser the last few weeks. And this is one of the greatest accomplishments of mine, I have truly overcome a huge personal challenge and fear and I am damn proud of it!!!

But more important, I have got some good friends here. And these are the people who will a reason for me to come back. Especially I want to share you my stor about the best friend, my brother, I have here in Dhaka.

The first day in Grameen –I was told to take the bus and I had gone with my coordinator once to see where to get on and off. I was really terrified!!! I knew I had to and could manage this challenge but I was so afraid. I got a bit lost on my way there but as I knew, I managed the situation. None the less, in the evening I had to face the same challenge. Trying to get on the right bus, and especially in the evening I didn’t want to get to the wrong place… I was waiting for a looong time, constantly asking the ticket-boys when a bus arrived if this was the one… It was stressing because I knew I would have to be quick when it got there, to get the ticket and jump on the bus… and more and more people were coming.. the buses were getting more and more crowded and I felt helpless.. when I asked the ticket-boys for the 25^th time, another passenger told me that he was going the same place so he would tell me when the bus got here… I was so relieved. Finally someone offered me that so I could relax a bit… When the bus came, the guy helped me to get the ticket, get on the bus and we sat next to each other. I was still very cautious… I had already realized that the people here and very friendly but still… we had a friendly chat… I didn’t look to much at him because I was still very unsure about those women-men rules in this country. But the guy somehow seemed very appealing to me. And when he asked me for my number I didn’t feel any harm in giving it to him. We got off the bus and went in each our direction. Since that day the guy, who I now call my brother and he calls me his sister, has been my guardian angel in this crazy place!

Farid, my brother is the one person who is writing me every day here. Who is the most concerned about my well-being here. Who will take me for trips around the city, who show me his work place and who will pick me up at work to ensure I’m alright the evening before the strike. Farid is not living the luxury and western life as my other bangla friends here. Farid comes from the village. His mother died when he was very young, his dad is a farmer and Farid came to the city to work hard and improve his life. He will marry –either a girl he meets or a girl his family finds for him- when he has stabilized his life and created a good foundation for creating a family. Farid has been to Saudi Arabia and Pakistan for longer periods but now he knows that he will always live in Bangladesh –his dream is to create his own business and move back to his home village.

The wonderful thing about this new brother and me is that our lives have been so different always and always will be. But a small coincidence (or maybe it wasn’t a coincidence) leads us to meet and it proves what both of us deeply believe in –all people are human beings… nothing else matters! So someone told me that she doesn’t believe in friendships with people you meet randomly at a bus stand for instance… I can only say that I believe just as much in this friendship as any other friendship I have! My mum once said that if she was to say what my motto was then it would be; a stranger is a friend you haven’t met yet… and back then I totally agreed with her! Now I know this is true.  And this is what is so beautiful about travelling… you get out of your usual patterns and anything can happen… I was expecting a completely different experience from what I got here….

Now I think, I didn’t come here to strengthen my professional profile or to have a huge impact on the poverty here… who do I think I am after all. I was lost most of the time I have been here –trying to find the purpose of my time here. My trip didn’t have one great purpose…  what I got from my time here were small insights about myself and the world around me which all will be part of me for the rest of my life. The street children I held in my arms and my brother I met at the bus stand –they all prove to me that we have a responsibility to all our brothers and sisters around the world!! My dream has been strengthened here.

In this world we cannot do great things, just small things with great love!

Lost

Sometimes I just feel so powerless and I just want to cry.

Sometimes I am wondering who are really the good ones and who are the bad ones.

Sometimes I wonder what can I actually do.

Sometimes I wonder who can I actually trust.

Sometimes I am wondering what is going on behind the curtains?

Can we really do anything?

Why am I the one in the CNG and not the kid who is selling me the ballones?

When I look the child into her or his eyes I don’t know what I see… I don’t know what this child has been through or will go through. I don’t know how I can make any difference to this child or if it will even need my help to change his or her life. I feel so sad. I can give him 10 taka or not without it really making a great difference. I don’t know if he or she will even benefit from the money that I give him or her. Or will some Godfather take it all?

When I meet with my friend, I don’t know if he really is my friend. I don’t know what are his motives and what does he want and expect from me. Does he really just enjoy my company because I am exactly the person who I am. Or is he hoping that I will help him living a different life in the future. Is he just my friend because I am the foreigner who can lead to certain benefits or prestige among his friend?

When my friend tells me who to watch out for, when he tells me who will try to take advantage me -How do I know he’s not the one who I should watch out for, the one who would try and take advantage of me?

I sincerely wish that the world would be the good place that I like to think it is, that the people are as good as I think they are. I hate feeling that maybe I’m too naïve when I at the same time feel that because I believe that the people are good, they will be good.

Sometimes I just want to give up.

Why do I have to care? When the people I care about do not understand that I care about them and want them the best. Why should I try when people will laugh at my attempts and idealism? Why should I care when the people don’t care about each other?

But I just can’t give up…

I feel it is part of me. It is my life and it is why I am here on this earth. I can’t not care.  It is not a matter of the big changes but a about the small actions –the small kindness. The child I see outside the CNG begging me for money is my brother or sister. I cannot say no to my brother or sister if he or she is starving.

When I am giving the child a hug, when he or she is falling asleep in my arms –just as miserable as he or she is –I feel that all the people are good. All people were once this child. And I feel I love her or him because this child it is my brother or sister.

But as they are all my sisters and brothers and when I feel the love and I feel they are all good people I feel even more sad to see them living such tough lives. But when all comes to all, it is not about inventing a poverty eliminating machine but to do what we do with love to each other and all our brothers and sisters.

Maybe studying economics has been the greatest mistake in my life. Fooling myself to think that a tool which people use to exploit each other could as a matter of fact be used for the good cause.  Maybe I wasted 6 years of life, so many tears and frustrations… for no reason at all… just to realize that no matter what I do it will not be the solution to the people’s misery.

I don’t know what to believe and no theory can explain me the reality. The reality depends on which side you believe in and what you are looking at. There is not one answer and I cannot clearly promote one approach. I cannot promise people anything. Anything anybody else is doing could be different from what I think and expect.

No matter what we do it is either not enough, it is not done well enough or it is not done right.

So what to do with my life then?

I feel I am not fitting into the life that I am living… I am not an economist who has all the answers. I cannot do career if I don’t believe in what I am doing. I don’t know what the strategy is, I don’t know what needs to be done…

Economics is not what is important.

The children are important. Education is important. Human and women’s rights are important.

Maybe I have given up on trying to strike the balance… but I am getting lost and I find no one to guide me to get back on track.

(written the 1st of December 2010)

What I actually have been doing the past three weeks....

For those of you who are actually also interested in what I am doing here in Bangladesh and not only my thinking, I will now provide a small update.

I arrived on Thursday as the weekend started here. (Weekends are Friday and Saturday –for the lucky ones as many works/ goes to school Saturday as well).  Thursday and Friday I mainly slept as I didn’t sleep very well on my 27 hour long trip. And Saturday I then was first shown the bus-routes to Grameen Bank by my AIESEC contact person. And later on my room mate, Chihero, took me to the University where the School/ NGO, Jaago Foundation, where she is doing her internship had a play for the university students. We were staying with the kids while they were waiting before the play and I had the opportunity to talk to them and get to know them a little bit. These kids are orphans or children who are abandoned by their parents. They are the street children that I see selling flowers, pop-corn or simply begging. But these kids are going to school as well, learning English and getting self-confidence despite their tough stories. This experience touched me a lot and I am still considering if I should get more involved and how in Jaago Foundation. When the play was finished, they needed some girls to go in the car with the children and the guy who was responsible from Jaago Foundation and thus me and Chihero went to Jaago with the children. The kids were not use to driving in a car… and it was very warm + they were tired… the result was that a lot of them got really sick so there was enough to see to. I was sitting with the girl who was the most sick –just holding her and telling her that it was alright….. she was feeling so bad and so ashamed. I realized how easy it actually is to make a difference to another person!!! When we had to say goodbye she came to me and gave me the biggest hug!!!  

The next day, Sunday the 10^th, I started my basic training program with Grameen Bank. And already the second day I went on a one day field trip to a branch, Doreim Mirjapur. Here I went on my first Center meeting –that is, the women are organized in groups of min. 5 members and the groups are then belonging to a center where they meet each month to pay their loan installment, propose new loans and discuss any problems.

And the next day again, Monday the 11^th, I wnet on a 6 days field trip to Tangail District, visiting the branch Khilda Kalihati. Here I went to more center meetings, interviewed members with different profiles, interviewed the branch manager, the area manager, the zonal manager and was discussing with my interpreter and the branchmanager about the different features of Grameen Bank. While I was there, the biggest Hindu Celebration was on so I also got to visit a local temple and see their celebrations.

The standard of accommodation was more simple here than my home in Dhaka. I was being eaten up by mosquitos and I had a huge 6-legged friend at the toilet… I had rice, chicken and curry twice a day which I was trying to eat by hand as they do it here.

I liked it in the village but I was also happy to go “home” to Dhaka to a more comfortable environment.

The following week I had the opportunity to visit some of the Grameen Bank’s sister companies, some of them being social businesses. These were Grameen Shakti (energy), Grameen Kalyan (well-being), Grameen Shikkha (education). And I had meetings with managers of the different departments. I also met with the manager of the sister company, Grameen Trust, which is working with the implementing replications in other countries. And I got arranged that I can start an internship with them after my three weeks of training program finished with Grameen Bank.

The following week, I got to see a garments factory as we went to visit the sister company Grameen Knitwear. And on Monday the 25^th I went on a 4 days fieldtrip to Rajshahi near the Indian border. I was going to stay in Delvabadi Dargapur branch and visit Noapara Dargapur branch which was completely new and just opened this month. And I loved this place! It was so beautiful, so quiet and calm. A good escape from Dhaka’s noisiness, pollution and chaos. The people in the branch were also much more open and wanted to talk more with me. The centermanagers and the branch manager all lived in the same house as I did and in the evening we were hanging out –looking at pictures of Denmark and listening to Hindu music. The center managers were younger than the previous branch and my age.

While I was in this branch, questions regarding women empowerment bothered me and I discussed it with the branch managers and my interpreter –but it was clear, that even though they want women empowerment, then our perception of this are very different! I asked to interview the one female center managers and I realized that she was much more on my side –which I could not help being happy about. I will leave this topic to one of my thoughtful moments.

Coming back to Dhaka and relaxing this weekend. I am soon meeting with a girl who used to be member of AIESEC and who I met through my roommate Chihero. Today I also went to sign up for Jaago’s United Childerens Day event on the 11^th of November. Then I will go on the street together with a lot of other students and sell flowers, pop-corn and newspapers in stead of the street children who will go to the amusement park that day. It is an awareness campaign and I bet it will create awareness when the white girl is selling pop-corn on the street. Haha

Besides that, tomorrow I finish my training program and I will take the rest of the week of. I will meet with people from AIESEC, go visit a factory of my friend and on Thursday I am going to the National Conference of AIESEC Bangladesh as Facilitator. And then I guess I will start my internship with Grameen Foundation afterwards.

Three weeks have passed, 8 weeks more to go and many more experiences to come….

Poverty and inequality

My brother is one of the people I admire the most in this world! As the younger sister, I have always been a rebel while my brother was the wise and protective. He is the cleverest person I know and he always knows to find the right book for me to read. This time he has certainly picked the right one as a graduation gift –Pelle Eroberen (Pelle the Conquer) is about this poor farmer boy who grows up and fights for the poor in Denmark and for the unions of Denmark… which are part of the reason why I am now living in such a rich and equal society. If it had not been for the unions and for the fight that was fighted generations before me, then I probably would never had studied economics and traveled the world.  In the beginning of the book my brothers words to me were; “may you always be dangerous”. These words make me so proud, because as a referral to the book, I know that it means that I should continue my fight for the poor –around the world. My brother and I live very different lives, but the past years we have found to enjoy our time together more and more. And these words make me so happy because I feel he is proud of me despite our differences.

That I am reading this book now while I am experiencing a country which is in the same state as Denmark was when this book was written makes me think a lot…. And one question can’t leave my mind… a question which I still haven’t formulated properly but which I feel gains more and more importance in my heart…. It is a question regarding the relation between poverty and inequality…. I have previously mentioned that poverty will not be eradicted unless everybody wants it…. As I have explored this thought more, compared it to my reading and what I see here….. I realize it is because I don’t believe eradiction of poverty can truly be unless some people settle for less…. In Denmark this is not as much the case as it is here in Bangladesh… in Denmark inequality is rising but it is still so so far from being a threat to the welfare of all poorest people as it is here in Bangladesh…. Or for that sake, in Latinamerica where inequality is also a huge matter…

And why, why should someone have more than they can handle while others don’t even have enough to eat every day…. Some families are taking turns on getting food and some families throughout what several families could have eaten. Some families have more rooms than they use and some families just have a spot under the bridge… I’m sorry, but I simply get’s so sad and frustrated!!!!

And what makes me even sadder is that I don’t know what to do. I am frustrated with myself…. No matter how much I want to be the friend of the poor and help those who are struggling the most, then I cannot find my way f doing so. I was not born and raised with poverty and I don’t know their lives, I am not one of them…and they know it at least as well as I do…

I am walking around the streets of Dhaka and the beggars are coming to me… but I don’t give them money nor food… Either I feel intimidated, or I am afraid how many of them will get attracted by the money I give to one or I am afraid that someone who is desperate will see the money and hurt me… I don’t give them food neither, I could take them to a place or buy something for them… but again, I don’t… I feel sad about the situation and that they need to beg.

Afterwards I am questioning if giving to the beggars is the solution…. The known excuses that one cannot give to all of them or that they should not get used to beg pop up… but at the same time I fell I am telling myself a lie… I feel like a coward who just doesn’t dare to do what is needed…

I hear about people who live on the street with the homeless and people who really engage with these unfortunate people… I end up spending my money on comfort like taxis and american burgers. And I don’t what I am actually afraid of… deep in me is a belief in the best in people and I feel ashamed about my comfort. Sometimes I wish I was born less fortunate and could fight the battle side by side with poor… Now I will always miss the good life that I know, attract attention in the slum and face a risk of desperate people abusing my wish to help.

I don’t know what to do, which part I should take in the poor people’s fight…. I only know that everybody should want things to change…. But how can I do anything about this??? I have a dream but I don’t know what to do about it….

(written the 22nd and 23rd of October)

First impression of Bangladesh and Dhaka

The time has passed by so fast and not until now have I really had the opportunity to update my blog. It will be impossible for me to come with a fulfilling update on my experience so far –that is simply something that has been so overwhelming, scary, exciting and impactful that only I will ever know. And as expected then I had not been able at all to imagine what was ahead of me. Already when flying over Dhaka for landing I knew that this country was very different from what I was used to…. Solely by seeing all the water which is everywhere here!!! But my next couple of hours in Dhaka are describing very well the impression I still have of the city….. full of very very friendly and helpful people who are stunned by seeing a blond girl… all the taxi drivers were all over the place to help me find my friend who was picking me up. And when I was then driving with my friend to my place I got the second mayor and main impression of Bangladesh –the absolute crazy traffic chaos!!! More than 12 million people trying to get forth and back by different busses, cars, rickshaws and small scouter taxis or walking…. Bicycles and rickshaws packed with al kind of things –from furnitures to pipes and comboy jeans… I was shocked! I was asking myself how I would ever be able to get around on my own…. Do stuff on my own…. On top of that it was extremely warm and then finally the absolutely biggest challenge but also excitement is the fact that I have absolutely no idea of how the “culture map” is in this country. Bangladesh is an approx 85% Islamic country and they are not used to foreigners…. It is so exiting… I am trying to dress properly which does not mean that I need to cover my hair but at least a t-shirt (no tanktops) and even better a long sleeved and loose blouse, long loose trousers and a scarf around my neck…. I know foreigners who take it more easy but I believe that I have “invaded” these people’s territory and I need to respect their culture and norms… even if it makes me sweat a bit more… I have realized that more questions are constantly popping up in my mind than I can find answers…. Questions about this society’s cutlture and norms, questions regarding the poverty I witness here and possible reactions and solutions to this and simply questions regarding my own values, beliefs, culture, norms and lifestyle.

Regarding the culture –I never know if I am doing something inappropriate… Or what the expectations are… And people are constantly starring at me no matter what so if I do something wrong then they will certainly notice it but at the same time I will not necessarily know…. I believe this is a good experience because I believe it makes me question my acts and behavior –if I don’t know what the norm is then I have to make sure that I can justify what I do…. If I can, then even if something is inappropriate according to this culture then I know I would not do it differently unless I realize that the behavior was not worth the insult. It is far from possible for me to do everything from a pure heart, but starting to think about our norms compared to what we actually believe is the best thing to do is a beginning….

The Grameen Basic Training Program that I am doing is showing me the effect microfinance has had in Bangladesh…. And when this finishes I will most probably continue with Grameen Trust which works on implementation of Grameen replications in other countries. I am excited to be here and be part of this world-famous organization… and I believe that social business has a huge potential… Simply because what I witness here is that poverty can be eradicted if people wants it to be….. but some people do not want that as things are now and to eradict poverty those people needs to want it…. I believe Social business is offering part of the solution….

Since I came here, I feel that the steady ground underneath me has disappeared….. before I came here I was going through a lot of emotions and I was afraid how I would feel when I was far away from my family who is going through such a tough time right now…. Now I am experiencing different turbulens of emotions on top… And I no-longer find any answers to my questions. I am completely open to new inputs in my life.

(this input was written the 20th of October)

Finally on my way...

Finally the day has arrived and I am now sitting in the train on my way to the airport.... The tough goodbyes are said and now 26 hours of travelling ahead. I have small pieces of facts about Bangladesh which are forming some ideas and expectations for this adventure. I also know that alot will be very different from anything that I can imagine as I sit here in a top-modern IC4 train with blond and smart danes around me, eating my rugbrød with spegepølse and chatting with my friends on facebook and skype.
However forming those expectations are not completely wasteful as they are making me excited and happy about the forthcoming adventure and forgetting about the tough goodbyes. And I also believe it is healthy to form these expectations but at the same time be open when arriving to Bangladesh to break all my expectations. I think this is how we realize that it is absolutly impossible to set ourselves in others' place without at least experiencing what they come from and what their realities are. And even then, as I will leave again and come back to cold Denmark for Christmas -eating way too much and exchanging expensive gifts, I will never be able to understand what it is like to be born and living all ones life in a country which is struggeling so much with natural diseasters and poverty. But this will not keep me from trying as much as I can.... to challenge my own world view and beliefs. How can I know what change is needed and where I should put my efforts if I haven't even explored the problem...

Bangladesh -here I'm coming! And uuuh I am so excited!!! :)

One week to go

Dear readers.

Now only one week to go before I will leave to Bangladesh.... and I will write to you now because I think you will need to understand my state of mind at this point to understand my story the following months.
I cannot put exact words on my state of mind as everything is one big mess! I am feeling everything and nothing.
Let's start from approx a month ago when I finally reached the point where I could close one chapter of my life by handing in my master thesis and opening a new chapter by booking tickets to Bangladesh. I couldn't realize how wonderful it was but I knew I was happy! However, just few days later me and my family received news which lead us into three long weeks of uncertainty and fear. My father got cancer. We didn't know how bad his state is. We just knew that this terrible illness had hit our loving and always supporting dad. My parents have always given everything to me and my brother. All the love and suppport that any child could dream of. My family means everything to me. And now we could do nothing.... but wait....
I was asking myself, how could I go anywhere if my dad is seriously ill? How can I just leave when my family needs me the most? My dad told me that I should go no matter what and he told me how proud of me he is. I told him that it would depend on the situation..... I love my dad so much and I want to support him the way he has always supported me. But I also know that it would make him very sad if I set my dreams on stand-by.

Yesterday we got more detailed information. My dad was relieved from the news and the doctor was positive. And I will go to Bangladesh.

But it is still torturing my heart to leave. I don't know what to feel. I know my dad would be more sad if I stayed home for him. And I know I will get an amazing experience in Bangladesh. I know that there is nothing I can do for my father by staying by his side. That I can still support him from Bangladesh and that he will always know how much I love him.

I am following a dream and my dad wants me to follow my dream. I am his dream. But I feel the prize of following my dreams. I have realized how every choise I make has a prize. However as long as those people I love know I love them and the dream comes from a pure heart then I think I should keep going for the dream. I am not as convinced as I may sound right there but I know that it is also what my dad wants. And I know that in the end he will be right.

I love you mum and dad!