Is facebook our modern prayer…

In a society where we believe there is a logical explanation to everything, where God is minimized to only maybe being there and maybe being some chemical reactions in our brain… Where do we then turn, when we have something in our hearts that we need to cry out to someone, someone who will listen no matter what, when or where we are overwhelmed with a feeling…

My facebook prayer doesn’t have a specific target, yet I hope for some kind of response… It’s this feeling of something being so important for me in this very moment, that I can’t keep it for myself, yet I don’t know who to share it with because it is so overwhelming personal…

My way of expressing my facebook prayer may be different from yours… yet prayers are all different around the world….

But who listens in the other end of the facebook prayer…. God?

I haven’t felt like writing the blog for a long time…. Now this is my facebook prayer for tonight.

The loss of someone special

There are certain situations we just can’t prepare ourselves for. There are certain situations we should not prepare ourselves for even though we know we are most certain to face them at some point in our life. There are certain persons we cannot imagine living without. Not even when they are already gone. There are certain things we cannot understand. And maybe there are certain things we should not understand.

I faced one of these situations, I lost one of those persons and I am left with one of these questions that I will never know the answer to –at least not in this world or in this life.

There are two people in my life I know have always loved me, who I have always been able to turn to for comfort, who would support me in anything I decided to do… Those two people taught me that real love is not depending on who you are, what you are, what you do, what you say or even what you think  –true love is when you love someone for just being. These two people have always loved me for just being since they knew I was going to be.

I have lost one of these two precious people… I have lost the one man who would give up anything for me, who knew me better than anyone, who loved me more than any man will ever love me.

It seems my life should stop. How can anything else be important when I have lost one of these precious person? My sadness should be taking over everything.

It is and it is not… I am continuing... so are everybody else… we have to, we need to… we cannot do anything else…

Many words can be spoken about the matter and none of them will really do… because one feeling is so strong… the missing… missing the routines, the things we shared, the comfort, the support, the laugher, the things that were and the things that we thought were to be…

Nothing will ever be the same, only the love… Because this very special and precious man, my dad, will always be missed…

And still, I continue, we continue because everything else continues…

I wish I dared....

I wish I wish I wish….

I wish the timing would have been better.

An opportunity has arisen in front of me. It would be perfect for me. I am the right person for this opportunity and I would find it challenging, rewarding and exciting. But the timing is against me… I have finally settled down in Denmark with a nice and well paid job. I am enjoying life with my friends and I have the perfect accommodation with one of my absolute best friends. This is the good life.

In half a year or a year I would be ready for a new adventure… I would be without job, I would have saved money for the adventure and I would have had plenty of time to enjoy life in Denmark to reach the point where I got so bored with it that I would seriously want a new adventure…

I wish the timing would be better.

But most of all I wish I dared….

Even if the timing had been better, would I have taken this opportunity? I would have been scared of the commitment, the challenges which would be greater than any previous challenge I have faced. It would be for a year and the context which I know but which is still so strange to me would challenge me immensely! But it is also an opportunity that lies so close to my heart. It represent exactly the challenges that all my ambitions and dreams involve… saying goodbye to the comfortable life in Denmark, saying goodbye to my family and friends here to go out in the world and do what I dream to do. It involves a rollercoaster lifestyle, situations where I have no idea what to do except that I know I have to do something… It involves trusting people who I have no idea if I can trust because I need them and can’t do anything without them. It involves failure and disappointments over the things I didn’t do, I didn’t achieve or didn’t do good enough…

Still I wish I dared… and I wish I could convince myself that timing is irrelevant when an opportunity that one just has to pursue arise….

Most people would think I am crazy if I pursue this opportunity… if I gave up what I have now in order to do so…. But at the same time I think most of the people would not be surprised that I consider it… however, I know that it would have to be myself who take such decision, my own dream which should make me overcome my fear, my trust in my dream and myself…

Oh I wish I dared…. I wish I dared dream for real!!!!

One needs to dare dreaming even when one can’t act on it right away

I have previously told you about how I am now living my dream. But when living one dream, another one is formed. I am now living and working in Copenhagen. You could say that I am daily working on finding the best solutions to some of the global challenges that our society faces. I feel privileged and I am happy to live in Copenhagen which is a city where I can enjoy life, ensure a decent living and getting into the field that I am passionate about. But I also feel restless. I feel distanced from the realities of the people I want to help. I feel too comfortable and a little bit bored. A new a dream is being formed…

When an idea is set in your heart, when a dream is being formed… what do you do?

You may choose to always keep it to yourself in your heart because you’re afraid it will get ruined if other people may question it or that it will simply lose its shine when outspoken. You may be afraid someone else will take it and act on it before you can. You may keep it as a sweet reminder when things get too tough around you, keeping you warm by promising you that one day you will act on it –but that day may just never come.

Or you may tell everybody about it, make it big and glamorous and get high on other people’s recognition and respect when you tell about your dream. You may constantly plan how you will act on your dream and keep adding new details to the dream which grows the dream bigger and bigger. One day the dream may get so big that you tell yourself that it is time to be realistic and forget about it. For some time you forget about the dream and then a new dream comes by and you repeat the same with this… and so it continues…

The difference lies in acting on your dreams.

But what makes you actually act on your dream? And when you can’t act straight away on your dream, what makes you keep your promise to yourself to act on it? I wish to somehow make sure that my dream will become real. That I will act on it when time comes for it. But I can’t be sure… For now my dream can only be a dream. Time will show if my dream will become more than that. Till then I have to believe in my dream, take the small steps which will get me closer to realizing it…  

I need to dare dreaming even when I can’t act on them right away.

Changing one person's life at a time -is it enough?

Wish I could be happy with changing just one person’s life at a time… It would be so much easier… but maybe it would be too easy. Maybe it would be more realistic. But is it ambitious enough?

Life is beautiful –but do you really need to slow down to enjoy it?!

I am the kind of person who enjoys being busy –that’s when I feel I live the most, I get the most out of my life and I am not wasting a minute… but sometimes when I am  busy living, I also forget to recognize how beautiful life is…. I am busy seeing all kind of people and not paying enough attention to the individual conversation, the silent moment with a good friend or family member, the new and interesting people I meet all the time or the old friends who may need me or who I may need but I forget or don’t find the time to share my thoughts and feelings with. I sometimes get so busy doing all kind of things, working, volunteer work, exercise and so on, that everything get so sqeezed into my schedule that there is no time for enjoying the sunshine, to do something impulsive, for thinking about why I am doing what I am doing and if I am really doing what I should be doing.

Sometimes it takes all my energy and I feel it is  too much… but I would not want to swap it for a quite life… A life where I would have to choose to only do some of the things which I am passionate about, or only see some of the people who I love or only see people I already know.

Right now my life is a bit overwhelming with all the things going on, with all the new people I am getting to know, and with finding my spot here in the grown-ups’ world. But I like to believe that when I am getting more use to all this then I will be busy but I will also find the moments for silence, for thinking, for sharing and for recognizing the beauty of my life. At least I hope so because I love being busy and when I have a moment for clearing my thoughts I know that I would not want it to be different.

Missing my girls

This post is dedicated to some very special people –my girls…

Nothing makes life so beautiful as good friends.

These are the girls I have told my deepest secrets, shared my dreams and plans with, cried and laughed with.

I have left them several times when I have been travelling… I have missed them as well! But this time it feels different…  I always knew where to find them and that they would still be there when I returned. This time they are all over the place and I am here in Copenhagen, intending to stay here and they are intending to stay more or less where they are…

I use to meet with them during the summer in the park and have bubble-wine and chill out. Or meet for a coffee in the cafeteria at Uni or a café, talking about guys, frustrations with the studies or all the other duties we have. We use to get together for dinner at one of ours places.

This was then. Now we are either in different places or our lifes have changed to become busy with job and other duties. Our friendships are no less important or strong but things will never be the same. Now we meet during weekends for a party, a dinner or a cup of coffee or we talk over the phone…

I wish they were here with me in Copenhagen and we would have more time together. To meet in the park on a sunny Sunday, for a coffee in a café, for dinner and red wine, for shopping, for the cinema or a good movie at home… Some of them are here… but many of them are not… I will meet new great people, but they will never replace my girls.

When times have turned hard on me, these girls have been on my side. These are the girls who never judged me for whatever I have done. These are the girls who may think I am a bit crazy but who always support me in whatever plan or dream I tell them about.

 “A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are.”

This post is dedicated to my girls; Anne ,Bibi, Edith, Lene, Line, Maria, Stine and Stinne

Miss you girls ;)

Following my dream

I have a dream. I have never really known exactly how to fulfill this dream. Neither have I been in the position where I could dedicate myself completely to it. I have had to learn. I have had to develop. Now I am the point where I can dedicate myself 100% to my dream. Still I didn’t know how I would end up doing so. Often we only have a very small range of ideas about how we can fulfill our dreams and depending on your creativity, flexibility and maybe also your dream, then you may have more ideas about how one can follow that dream. However, often chances are also involved… And sometimes opportunities open your eyes for what could be the road for you to follow that dream

When I studied economics, I wanted to find a way where I could utilize my knowledge about economics to improve the situation in the world and help the people who are less fortunate. I wanted the impact to be great in scale, I wanted it to really matter. I wanted my efforts to make a real change.  I thought maybe the foreign affairs ministry, Danida, UN, or NGOs were my opportunities. I started to consider social business as a more likely option for me though because I really see potential here. However, none of these should end up being my first step.

By chance maybe, I have encountered an opportunity I had never considered before. What was for me still undefined suddenly is reality. It really matters to have a dream. To strive for something even when one doesn’t know how to follow it because when the right opportunity is right in front of you, you’ll know! I don’t know what the next steps will be after this first one, but I know something will come up…

Not knowing the next steps should never be an excuse for not following your dream!

I am grateful!

Life is full of ups and downs and thus it is so much more important to recognize, embrace and enjoy the ups -these moments and events which make all sorrows disappear and give hope.

My family has for almost half a year lived with fear and worries. We were suddenly reminded how fragile life is, how important it is to enjoy every single moment we have together, how important it is to show our love to each other and to create good memories for the future which is uncertain.

We react differently on situations like these as well as we react differently when we receive good news. Last week my family received the news that my dad has recovered and got rid of his cancer – we were hugging each other. We were big smiles, which made the people around us smile, and some of us had happy tears in our eyes. This was a moment of pure happiness and relieve. This was the moment we had almost not dared to hope for! And I will be grateful for this moment forever. Because even though sad events will come in the future as well, then I will always keep this happy moment in my heart. We never know when happiness will be taken away from us. It can happen from one moment to another. But this is life! And without the sad moments, we would not recognize and be as grateful for the happy moments.

I believe part of the key to living a happy life is to let the bad moments give even more power to the good moments and let the good moments stay in your hearts to overshine the bad moments. To let the good moments be fuel for hope and let the hope survive even during very difficult periods. And choose to be happy!

When I went to Bangladesh despite my dad being seriously ill my dad did not only ensure me an amazing experience in Bangladesh but he taught me that life goes on no matter how difficult it seems. And when you know life goes on no matter what then you should also know that there will be good moments again. I am grateful for my dad having recovered his illness. I am grateful for my loving family. I am grateful for having learned that life goes on no matter what. I am grateful for the happy moments!

 I AM GRATEFUL!!  

New Context, same content…

All day yesterday my father, my mother and I were moving from one point to another –for my new chapter to start... Today I have all day moved things around, unpacking and setting up... to create the right context for my new chapter... It is all new and yet it seems so familiar... the context has changed but the content is the same... Still no job, still spending way too much time on Facebook and still something or someone is missing...

It is funny how we define ourselves... When presenting ourselves we tell our name, what we do for living and maybe how old we are, where we live and whether we’re in a relationship. Do we stick deeper then we may also tell where we have travelled, who our friends are, what music we like... And then maybe when we get closer with someone we tell them about our dreams...

Are these things really defining us?

If we suffered from amnesia...who would we then be? ...if we couldn’t tell any of these things because we didn’t remember....  Would we be nobody then? Does it matter what our name is, what we do for living and what music we like for determining who we are?

Would our dream still survive amnesia or could it change? I feel my dreams are a big part of me and who I am. But are they any different from any of the other points? If our dreams are not reflected in our actions and our behaviour –do they really matter then? And when they are reflected in our actions and behaviour –they are translated into something similar to the other points... they are then reflected in what we do for living, where we live, who our friends are etc... So I guess it is all part of who we are...

I have changed my context but my content is still the same... I hope my dream will be reflected in who I am. I hope my dream will be part of who I am.

Are we all the person we want to be? And are we living the lives we want to live?

The only ones to answer this question and to do something about it are ourselves. I like to be a realistic idealist who is doing what is the best for the people around me and the society. However sometimes everything is not that straight forward.

So what should guide us in the pursuit? Our brains, our hearts or the rules and norms of our society?

When we follow our brains we may come up with the rational best solution but what about forgiveness, kindness, humanity and all the other irrelational, yet important factors as well? When we follow our hearts, we may want the best for others, we may stay true to ourselves but we may also get fooled, we may make too irrational conclusions, and in the end harm more people than help them as we have not analyzed the whole situation. When we follow the rules and norms of our society, we may always be able to justify our actions because we can refer to the rules and norms, we may have a common ground with others. But we may also be too rigid in our decisions and actions. We may miss out on great opportunities and we may be blind to the fact that the rules and norms are not the right ones to follow.

Life is not easy and nobody promised us it would be. Being who we want to be and live the life we want to life constantly requires that we consider our actions and the consequences of our actions. What may have seemed the right decision when it was analyzed in regard to both brain, heart and rules and norms, may no longer be valid. It may have seemed the right decision when trade-offs were consider between the three directions. However, everything changes… and old actions need to be reconsidered, new actions may be required… Only when one denies to reevaluate ones actions and decisions or when one is blind to what the true consequences have been then the person is losing sight of who the person wants to be.

To be a realistic idealist it requires of me that I find the balance between all the three directions. I need to rethink them and still be humble to their original forms. I will make mistakes along the way. Those who do not make mistakes have not taken great enough chances.  My challenge is to realize my mistakes, try to correct them and move on to the next decision and action.

Our greatest mistake would be to let our previous mistakes hold us back from taking the needed and the right decisions in the future.  I have a dream, and nothing should stop me from keep pursuing it!

The unfamiliar life back in Denmark

Life back home in Denmark is now almost as strange and unfamiliar to me as life in Dhaka was. Life in Denmark used to be busy…studying, doing AIESEC work, living my life in Aarhus –on my own… meeting up with friends and dreaming of what would come when I finally would finish my studies.

I have studied for 20 years!!! But that has come to an end... Now I am looking for a job –a real job, the job where I will contribute to ensuring the people around the world a better life, a life with opportunities, freedom and hope…. But it is so much more difficult than I thought it would be… it is actually good, as it is difficult because so many people want to contribute to this, so many people want the same kind of job as I do…

Besides that, life in Denmark now is here and there and everywhere… I don’t have my own place… I live with my parents again –as a 27 year old graduate I live with my parents again! But it is not as bad as it could be… I enjoy being able to spend some time with my parents, play cards, cook for and with them, help cleaning and just being together –it has been a while after all. And then I get to visit my friends for a bit in Aarhus and in Copenhagen –living with them and getting close to them…. I don’t want to say “again”, because I actually don’t feel that I got distanced to them this time, they were always close by, they knew that I needed them even though I was far away… That’s the beauty of true friendships, that distance doesn’t matter...

Life in Denmark, now also means being AIESEC Alumni –standing on the side and watching new people running the organization and taking it the next step…. I’m proud of them … And even though I can’t help getting a little bit involved and always join the discussions about the strategy and the future of the organization, then I truly enjoy this new position. Next weekend I will witness the new generation of AIESEC Denmark leadership body getting elected… and I am so so proud of my successor who is applying for the National President position and I am sure he will do an amazing job if he gets elected!!

But my life in Denmark is so not busy as it used to be… and that’s what is difficult for me to adjust to and accept… I feel I am wasting my time… I can do small projects on the side… but when I am this super motivated, when I have these dreams, when I have taken this education –then I also want and need to use it!

 If I am not given the opportunity to do so then I have to create the opportunity…  

I never say goodbye...

It is quite some time ago that I wrote a draft for a ”I never say goodbye...” post for my blog. But whatever I wrote seemed incomplete. I was not able to describe how the experience in Bangladesh had touched me and how much the people mean to me.

However I still feel it is worth trying… and thus I will post what I managed to write back then.

My time in Bangladesh is slowly coming to an end…. I would be fooling myself and everybody else if I was saying that I am not happy to finally be returning to Denmark. I have missed my home, my family and my friends for a long time now and I feel that everything will only be right when I am together with them again.

However, turning around the old saying; that whenever a door closes, another opens… then whenever a door opens, another closes….

Throughout my time here in Dhaka I have met so many great people. I have been so lucky to be part of an organization  (AIESEC)–which is more than a travel agency- which creates relations across borders…  Through this organization, I have in a very short time got to know so many local Bangladeshi students that other people have even noticed and commented on it. But I have not only met the local Bangladeshi students through this organization, , I have shared my room with a Japanese and a Dutch girl, I have lived with Chinese (Hong Kong), Australian, Italian, Indian and Austrian students. I have met up with Columbians and German interns. I have shared a huuuge experience with each of these people. In addition I have met a lot of passioned students at Grameen Bank who all will go back to their countries as well.  And as you know from my previous post, I have randomly met people who also contributed to a great extent to this experience…Without those people, my experience would not have been the same!

And now the experience is coming to an end… I have this strange feeling because I know most of these people will only belong to this exact time and place… most of them I will never see again!

I never like endings… It’s the same with a good book or movie… even when it has a happy ending –as I believe my experience in Dhaka will have and even when I’m already looking forward to the new beginning –then the fact that now will never be again is sad. And as there’s nothing I can do or actually want to do about then I rather jump straight to the next chapter… The last few days is self-torturing…

However, I remind myself that I never say goodbye, I say “see you later”… because even if most of the people only belong to here and now then it is up to myself –if I want to see some of them again, I can make sure to do so.

Now I have jumped to the new chapter which I will write a post about as soon as possible (who knows, maybe tonight). And I can only say, I miss all my dear friends and I even sort of miss Dhaka :)

See you all again, some day, my dear friends!

A stranger is a friend you haven’t met yet...

In the beginning everything terrified me here. I couldn’t imagine how I would ever be able to go anywhere on my own. It was one of the greatest challenges I have faced on any of my trips.

It took me time… but now I’m just part of the flow.. I cross the streets with confidence, bargain with the CNG and rickshaw drivers without blinking and when they try to fool me I let them not know that I am not the right person to fool… I know a few of the trading people in the street who are greeting me and smiling whenever I meet them. I know the good places for eating out. I sleep without noticing the construction people making noise outside my room or the mosque calling for prayers at 4.30am. I don’t get intimidated by the local people starring at me, now I know that most of them stare just ut of curiosity and not because I’m doing something wrong…  I know the way to Grameen, to the local shops and markets (at least better than some local Dhaka students ;) ) All this has made my life much eaiser the last few weeks. And this is one of the greatest accomplishments of mine, I have truly overcome a huge personal challenge and fear and I am damn proud of it!!!

But more important, I have got some good friends here. And these are the people who will a reason for me to come back. Especially I want to share you my stor about the best friend, my brother, I have here in Dhaka.

The first day in Grameen –I was told to take the bus and I had gone with my coordinator once to see where to get on and off. I was really terrified!!! I knew I had to and could manage this challenge but I was so afraid. I got a bit lost on my way there but as I knew, I managed the situation. None the less, in the evening I had to face the same challenge. Trying to get on the right bus, and especially in the evening I didn’t want to get to the wrong place… I was waiting for a looong time, constantly asking the ticket-boys when a bus arrived if this was the one… It was stressing because I knew I would have to be quick when it got there, to get the ticket and jump on the bus… and more and more people were coming.. the buses were getting more and more crowded and I felt helpless.. when I asked the ticket-boys for the 25^th time, another passenger told me that he was going the same place so he would tell me when the bus got here… I was so relieved. Finally someone offered me that so I could relax a bit… When the bus came, the guy helped me to get the ticket, get on the bus and we sat next to each other. I was still very cautious… I had already realized that the people here and very friendly but still… we had a friendly chat… I didn’t look to much at him because I was still very unsure about those women-men rules in this country. But the guy somehow seemed very appealing to me. And when he asked me for my number I didn’t feel any harm in giving it to him. We got off the bus and went in each our direction. Since that day the guy, who I now call my brother and he calls me his sister, has been my guardian angel in this crazy place!

Farid, my brother is the one person who is writing me every day here. Who is the most concerned about my well-being here. Who will take me for trips around the city, who show me his work place and who will pick me up at work to ensure I’m alright the evening before the strike. Farid is not living the luxury and western life as my other bangla friends here. Farid comes from the village. His mother died when he was very young, his dad is a farmer and Farid came to the city to work hard and improve his life. He will marry –either a girl he meets or a girl his family finds for him- when he has stabilized his life and created a good foundation for creating a family. Farid has been to Saudi Arabia and Pakistan for longer periods but now he knows that he will always live in Bangladesh –his dream is to create his own business and move back to his home village.

The wonderful thing about this new brother and me is that our lives have been so different always and always will be. But a small coincidence (or maybe it wasn’t a coincidence) leads us to meet and it proves what both of us deeply believe in –all people are human beings… nothing else matters! So someone told me that she doesn’t believe in friendships with people you meet randomly at a bus stand for instance… I can only say that I believe just as much in this friendship as any other friendship I have! My mum once said that if she was to say what my motto was then it would be; a stranger is a friend you haven’t met yet… and back then I totally agreed with her! Now I know this is true.  And this is what is so beautiful about travelling… you get out of your usual patterns and anything can happen… I was expecting a completely different experience from what I got here….

Now I think, I didn’t come here to strengthen my professional profile or to have a huge impact on the poverty here… who do I think I am after all. I was lost most of the time I have been here –trying to find the purpose of my time here. My trip didn’t have one great purpose…  what I got from my time here were small insights about myself and the world around me which all will be part of me for the rest of my life. The street children I held in my arms and my brother I met at the bus stand –they all prove to me that we have a responsibility to all our brothers and sisters around the world!! My dream has been strengthened here.

In this world we cannot do great things, just small things with great love!

Lost

Sometimes I just feel so powerless and I just want to cry.

Sometimes I am wondering who are really the good ones and who are the bad ones.

Sometimes I wonder what can I actually do.

Sometimes I wonder who can I actually trust.

Sometimes I am wondering what is going on behind the curtains?

Can we really do anything?

Why am I the one in the CNG and not the kid who is selling me the ballones?

When I look the child into her or his eyes I don’t know what I see… I don’t know what this child has been through or will go through. I don’t know how I can make any difference to this child or if it will even need my help to change his or her life. I feel so sad. I can give him 10 taka or not without it really making a great difference. I don’t know if he or she will even benefit from the money that I give him or her. Or will some Godfather take it all?

When I meet with my friend, I don’t know if he really is my friend. I don’t know what are his motives and what does he want and expect from me. Does he really just enjoy my company because I am exactly the person who I am. Or is he hoping that I will help him living a different life in the future. Is he just my friend because I am the foreigner who can lead to certain benefits or prestige among his friend?

When my friend tells me who to watch out for, when he tells me who will try to take advantage me -How do I know he’s not the one who I should watch out for, the one who would try and take advantage of me?

I sincerely wish that the world would be the good place that I like to think it is, that the people are as good as I think they are. I hate feeling that maybe I’m too naïve when I at the same time feel that because I believe that the people are good, they will be good.

Sometimes I just want to give up.

Why do I have to care? When the people I care about do not understand that I care about them and want them the best. Why should I try when people will laugh at my attempts and idealism? Why should I care when the people don’t care about each other?

But I just can’t give up…

I feel it is part of me. It is my life and it is why I am here on this earth. I can’t not care.  It is not a matter of the big changes but a about the small actions –the small kindness. The child I see outside the CNG begging me for money is my brother or sister. I cannot say no to my brother or sister if he or she is starving.

When I am giving the child a hug, when he or she is falling asleep in my arms –just as miserable as he or she is –I feel that all the people are good. All people were once this child. And I feel I love her or him because this child it is my brother or sister.

But as they are all my sisters and brothers and when I feel the love and I feel they are all good people I feel even more sad to see them living such tough lives. But when all comes to all, it is not about inventing a poverty eliminating machine but to do what we do with love to each other and all our brothers and sisters.

Maybe studying economics has been the greatest mistake in my life. Fooling myself to think that a tool which people use to exploit each other could as a matter of fact be used for the good cause.  Maybe I wasted 6 years of life, so many tears and frustrations… for no reason at all… just to realize that no matter what I do it will not be the solution to the people’s misery.

I don’t know what to believe and no theory can explain me the reality. The reality depends on which side you believe in and what you are looking at. There is not one answer and I cannot clearly promote one approach. I cannot promise people anything. Anything anybody else is doing could be different from what I think and expect.

No matter what we do it is either not enough, it is not done well enough or it is not done right.

So what to do with my life then?

I feel I am not fitting into the life that I am living… I am not an economist who has all the answers. I cannot do career if I don’t believe in what I am doing. I don’t know what the strategy is, I don’t know what needs to be done…

Economics is not what is important.

The children are important. Education is important. Human and women’s rights are important.

Maybe I have given up on trying to strike the balance… but I am getting lost and I find no one to guide me to get back on track.

(written the 1st of December 2010)

What I actually have been doing the past three weeks....

For those of you who are actually also interested in what I am doing here in Bangladesh and not only my thinking, I will now provide a small update.

I arrived on Thursday as the weekend started here. (Weekends are Friday and Saturday –for the lucky ones as many works/ goes to school Saturday as well).  Thursday and Friday I mainly slept as I didn’t sleep very well on my 27 hour long trip. And Saturday I then was first shown the bus-routes to Grameen Bank by my AIESEC contact person. And later on my room mate, Chihero, took me to the University where the School/ NGO, Jaago Foundation, where she is doing her internship had a play for the university students. We were staying with the kids while they were waiting before the play and I had the opportunity to talk to them and get to know them a little bit. These kids are orphans or children who are abandoned by their parents. They are the street children that I see selling flowers, pop-corn or simply begging. But these kids are going to school as well, learning English and getting self-confidence despite their tough stories. This experience touched me a lot and I am still considering if I should get more involved and how in Jaago Foundation. When the play was finished, they needed some girls to go in the car with the children and the guy who was responsible from Jaago Foundation and thus me and Chihero went to Jaago with the children. The kids were not use to driving in a car… and it was very warm + they were tired… the result was that a lot of them got really sick so there was enough to see to. I was sitting with the girl who was the most sick –just holding her and telling her that it was alright….. she was feeling so bad and so ashamed. I realized how easy it actually is to make a difference to another person!!! When we had to say goodbye she came to me and gave me the biggest hug!!!  

The next day, Sunday the 10^th, I started my basic training program with Grameen Bank. And already the second day I went on a one day field trip to a branch, Doreim Mirjapur. Here I went on my first Center meeting –that is, the women are organized in groups of min. 5 members and the groups are then belonging to a center where they meet each month to pay their loan installment, propose new loans and discuss any problems.

And the next day again, Monday the 11^th, I wnet on a 6 days field trip to Tangail District, visiting the branch Khilda Kalihati. Here I went to more center meetings, interviewed members with different profiles, interviewed the branch manager, the area manager, the zonal manager and was discussing with my interpreter and the branchmanager about the different features of Grameen Bank. While I was there, the biggest Hindu Celebration was on so I also got to visit a local temple and see their celebrations.

The standard of accommodation was more simple here than my home in Dhaka. I was being eaten up by mosquitos and I had a huge 6-legged friend at the toilet… I had rice, chicken and curry twice a day which I was trying to eat by hand as they do it here.

I liked it in the village but I was also happy to go “home” to Dhaka to a more comfortable environment.

The following week I had the opportunity to visit some of the Grameen Bank’s sister companies, some of them being social businesses. These were Grameen Shakti (energy), Grameen Kalyan (well-being), Grameen Shikkha (education). And I had meetings with managers of the different departments. I also met with the manager of the sister company, Grameen Trust, which is working with the implementing replications in other countries. And I got arranged that I can start an internship with them after my three weeks of training program finished with Grameen Bank.

The following week, I got to see a garments factory as we went to visit the sister company Grameen Knitwear. And on Monday the 25^th I went on a 4 days fieldtrip to Rajshahi near the Indian border. I was going to stay in Delvabadi Dargapur branch and visit Noapara Dargapur branch which was completely new and just opened this month. And I loved this place! It was so beautiful, so quiet and calm. A good escape from Dhaka’s noisiness, pollution and chaos. The people in the branch were also much more open and wanted to talk more with me. The centermanagers and the branch manager all lived in the same house as I did and in the evening we were hanging out –looking at pictures of Denmark and listening to Hindu music. The center managers were younger than the previous branch and my age.

While I was in this branch, questions regarding women empowerment bothered me and I discussed it with the branch managers and my interpreter –but it was clear, that even though they want women empowerment, then our perception of this are very different! I asked to interview the one female center managers and I realized that she was much more on my side –which I could not help being happy about. I will leave this topic to one of my thoughtful moments.

Coming back to Dhaka and relaxing this weekend. I am soon meeting with a girl who used to be member of AIESEC and who I met through my roommate Chihero. Today I also went to sign up for Jaago’s United Childerens Day event on the 11^th of November. Then I will go on the street together with a lot of other students and sell flowers, pop-corn and newspapers in stead of the street children who will go to the amusement park that day. It is an awareness campaign and I bet it will create awareness when the white girl is selling pop-corn on the street. Haha

Besides that, tomorrow I finish my training program and I will take the rest of the week of. I will meet with people from AIESEC, go visit a factory of my friend and on Thursday I am going to the National Conference of AIESEC Bangladesh as Facilitator. And then I guess I will start my internship with Grameen Foundation afterwards.

Three weeks have passed, 8 weeks more to go and many more experiences to come….

Poverty and inequality

My brother is one of the people I admire the most in this world! As the younger sister, I have always been a rebel while my brother was the wise and protective. He is the cleverest person I know and he always knows to find the right book for me to read. This time he has certainly picked the right one as a graduation gift –Pelle Eroberen (Pelle the Conquer) is about this poor farmer boy who grows up and fights for the poor in Denmark and for the unions of Denmark… which are part of the reason why I am now living in such a rich and equal society. If it had not been for the unions and for the fight that was fighted generations before me, then I probably would never had studied economics and traveled the world.  In the beginning of the book my brothers words to me were; “may you always be dangerous”. These words make me so proud, because as a referral to the book, I know that it means that I should continue my fight for the poor –around the world. My brother and I live very different lives, but the past years we have found to enjoy our time together more and more. And these words make me so happy because I feel he is proud of me despite our differences.

That I am reading this book now while I am experiencing a country which is in the same state as Denmark was when this book was written makes me think a lot…. And one question can’t leave my mind… a question which I still haven’t formulated properly but which I feel gains more and more importance in my heart…. It is a question regarding the relation between poverty and inequality…. I have previously mentioned that poverty will not be eradicted unless everybody wants it…. As I have explored this thought more, compared it to my reading and what I see here….. I realize it is because I don’t believe eradiction of poverty can truly be unless some people settle for less…. In Denmark this is not as much the case as it is here in Bangladesh… in Denmark inequality is rising but it is still so so far from being a threat to the welfare of all poorest people as it is here in Bangladesh…. Or for that sake, in Latinamerica where inequality is also a huge matter…

And why, why should someone have more than they can handle while others don’t even have enough to eat every day…. Some families are taking turns on getting food and some families throughout what several families could have eaten. Some families have more rooms than they use and some families just have a spot under the bridge… I’m sorry, but I simply get’s so sad and frustrated!!!!

And what makes me even sadder is that I don’t know what to do. I am frustrated with myself…. No matter how much I want to be the friend of the poor and help those who are struggling the most, then I cannot find my way f doing so. I was not born and raised with poverty and I don’t know their lives, I am not one of them…and they know it at least as well as I do…

I am walking around the streets of Dhaka and the beggars are coming to me… but I don’t give them money nor food… Either I feel intimidated, or I am afraid how many of them will get attracted by the money I give to one or I am afraid that someone who is desperate will see the money and hurt me… I don’t give them food neither, I could take them to a place or buy something for them… but again, I don’t… I feel sad about the situation and that they need to beg.

Afterwards I am questioning if giving to the beggars is the solution…. The known excuses that one cannot give to all of them or that they should not get used to beg pop up… but at the same time I fell I am telling myself a lie… I feel like a coward who just doesn’t dare to do what is needed…

I hear about people who live on the street with the homeless and people who really engage with these unfortunate people… I end up spending my money on comfort like taxis and american burgers. And I don’t what I am actually afraid of… deep in me is a belief in the best in people and I feel ashamed about my comfort. Sometimes I wish I was born less fortunate and could fight the battle side by side with poor… Now I will always miss the good life that I know, attract attention in the slum and face a risk of desperate people abusing my wish to help.

I don’t know what to do, which part I should take in the poor people’s fight…. I only know that everybody should want things to change…. But how can I do anything about this??? I have a dream but I don’t know what to do about it….

(written the 22nd and 23rd of October)

First impression of Bangladesh and Dhaka

The time has passed by so fast and not until now have I really had the opportunity to update my blog. It will be impossible for me to come with a fulfilling update on my experience so far –that is simply something that has been so overwhelming, scary, exciting and impactful that only I will ever know. And as expected then I had not been able at all to imagine what was ahead of me. Already when flying over Dhaka for landing I knew that this country was very different from what I was used to…. Solely by seeing all the water which is everywhere here!!! But my next couple of hours in Dhaka are describing very well the impression I still have of the city….. full of very very friendly and helpful people who are stunned by seeing a blond girl… all the taxi drivers were all over the place to help me find my friend who was picking me up. And when I was then driving with my friend to my place I got the second mayor and main impression of Bangladesh –the absolute crazy traffic chaos!!! More than 12 million people trying to get forth and back by different busses, cars, rickshaws and small scouter taxis or walking…. Bicycles and rickshaws packed with al kind of things –from furnitures to pipes and comboy jeans… I was shocked! I was asking myself how I would ever be able to get around on my own…. Do stuff on my own…. On top of that it was extremely warm and then finally the absolutely biggest challenge but also excitement is the fact that I have absolutely no idea of how the “culture map” is in this country. Bangladesh is an approx 85% Islamic country and they are not used to foreigners…. It is so exiting… I am trying to dress properly which does not mean that I need to cover my hair but at least a t-shirt (no tanktops) and even better a long sleeved and loose blouse, long loose trousers and a scarf around my neck…. I know foreigners who take it more easy but I believe that I have “invaded” these people’s territory and I need to respect their culture and norms… even if it makes me sweat a bit more… I have realized that more questions are constantly popping up in my mind than I can find answers…. Questions about this society’s cutlture and norms, questions regarding the poverty I witness here and possible reactions and solutions to this and simply questions regarding my own values, beliefs, culture, norms and lifestyle.

Regarding the culture –I never know if I am doing something inappropriate… Or what the expectations are… And people are constantly starring at me no matter what so if I do something wrong then they will certainly notice it but at the same time I will not necessarily know…. I believe this is a good experience because I believe it makes me question my acts and behavior –if I don’t know what the norm is then I have to make sure that I can justify what I do…. If I can, then even if something is inappropriate according to this culture then I know I would not do it differently unless I realize that the behavior was not worth the insult. It is far from possible for me to do everything from a pure heart, but starting to think about our norms compared to what we actually believe is the best thing to do is a beginning….

The Grameen Basic Training Program that I am doing is showing me the effect microfinance has had in Bangladesh…. And when this finishes I will most probably continue with Grameen Trust which works on implementation of Grameen replications in other countries. I am excited to be here and be part of this world-famous organization… and I believe that social business has a huge potential… Simply because what I witness here is that poverty can be eradicted if people wants it to be….. but some people do not want that as things are now and to eradict poverty those people needs to want it…. I believe Social business is offering part of the solution….

Since I came here, I feel that the steady ground underneath me has disappeared….. before I came here I was going through a lot of emotions and I was afraid how I would feel when I was far away from my family who is going through such a tough time right now…. Now I am experiencing different turbulens of emotions on top… And I no-longer find any answers to my questions. I am completely open to new inputs in my life.

(this input was written the 20th of October)

Finally on my way...

Finally the day has arrived and I am now sitting in the train on my way to the airport.... The tough goodbyes are said and now 26 hours of travelling ahead. I have small pieces of facts about Bangladesh which are forming some ideas and expectations for this adventure. I also know that alot will be very different from anything that I can imagine as I sit here in a top-modern IC4 train with blond and smart danes around me, eating my rugbrød with spegepølse and chatting with my friends on facebook and skype.
However forming those expectations are not completely wasteful as they are making me excited and happy about the forthcoming adventure and forgetting about the tough goodbyes. And I also believe it is healthy to form these expectations but at the same time be open when arriving to Bangladesh to break all my expectations. I think this is how we realize that it is absolutly impossible to set ourselves in others' place without at least experiencing what they come from and what their realities are. And even then, as I will leave again and come back to cold Denmark for Christmas -eating way too much and exchanging expensive gifts, I will never be able to understand what it is like to be born and living all ones life in a country which is struggeling so much with natural diseasters and poverty. But this will not keep me from trying as much as I can.... to challenge my own world view and beliefs. How can I know what change is needed and where I should put my efforts if I haven't even explored the problem...

Bangladesh -here I'm coming! And uuuh I am so excited!!! :)

One week to go

Dear readers.

Now only one week to go before I will leave to Bangladesh.... and I will write to you now because I think you will need to understand my state of mind at this point to understand my story the following months.
I cannot put exact words on my state of mind as everything is one big mess! I am feeling everything and nothing.
Let's start from approx a month ago when I finally reached the point where I could close one chapter of my life by handing in my master thesis and opening a new chapter by booking tickets to Bangladesh. I couldn't realize how wonderful it was but I knew I was happy! However, just few days later me and my family received news which lead us into three long weeks of uncertainty and fear. My father got cancer. We didn't know how bad his state is. We just knew that this terrible illness had hit our loving and always supporting dad. My parents have always given everything to me and my brother. All the love and suppport that any child could dream of. My family means everything to me. And now we could do nothing.... but wait....
I was asking myself, how could I go anywhere if my dad is seriously ill? How can I just leave when my family needs me the most? My dad told me that I should go no matter what and he told me how proud of me he is. I told him that it would depend on the situation..... I love my dad so much and I want to support him the way he has always supported me. But I also know that it would make him very sad if I set my dreams on stand-by.

Yesterday we got more detailed information. My dad was relieved from the news and the doctor was positive. And I will go to Bangladesh.

But it is still torturing my heart to leave. I don't know what to feel. I know my dad would be more sad if I stayed home for him. And I know I will get an amazing experience in Bangladesh. I know that there is nothing I can do for my father by staying by his side. That I can still support him from Bangladesh and that he will always know how much I love him.

I am following a dream and my dad wants me to follow my dream. I am his dream. But I feel the prize of following my dreams. I have realized how every choise I make has a prize. However as long as those people I love know I love them and the dream comes from a pure heart then I think I should keep going for the dream. I am not as convinced as I may sound right there but I know that it is also what my dad wants. And I know that in the end he will be right.

I love you mum and dad!