The loss of someone special

There are certain situations we just can’t prepare ourselves for. There are certain situations we should not prepare ourselves for even though we know we are most certain to face them at some point in our life. There are certain persons we cannot imagine living without. Not even when they are already gone. There are certain things we cannot understand. And maybe there are certain things we should not understand.

I faced one of these situations, I lost one of those persons and I am left with one of these questions that I will never know the answer to –at least not in this world or in this life.

There are two people in my life I know have always loved me, who I have always been able to turn to for comfort, who would support me in anything I decided to do… Those two people taught me that real love is not depending on who you are, what you are, what you do, what you say or even what you think  –true love is when you love someone for just being. These two people have always loved me for just being since they knew I was going to be.

I have lost one of these two precious people… I have lost the one man who would give up anything for me, who knew me better than anyone, who loved me more than any man will ever love me.

It seems my life should stop. How can anything else be important when I have lost one of these precious person? My sadness should be taking over everything.

It is and it is not… I am continuing... so are everybody else… we have to, we need to… we cannot do anything else…

Many words can be spoken about the matter and none of them will really do… because one feeling is so strong… the missing… missing the routines, the things we shared, the comfort, the support, the laugher, the things that were and the things that we thought were to be…

Nothing will ever be the same, only the love… Because this very special and precious man, my dad, will always be missed…

And still, I continue, we continue because everything else continues…

I wish I dared....

I wish I wish I wish….

I wish the timing would have been better.

An opportunity has arisen in front of me. It would be perfect for me. I am the right person for this opportunity and I would find it challenging, rewarding and exciting. But the timing is against me… I have finally settled down in Denmark with a nice and well paid job. I am enjoying life with my friends and I have the perfect accommodation with one of my absolute best friends. This is the good life.

In half a year or a year I would be ready for a new adventure… I would be without job, I would have saved money for the adventure and I would have had plenty of time to enjoy life in Denmark to reach the point where I got so bored with it that I would seriously want a new adventure…

I wish the timing would be better.

But most of all I wish I dared….

Even if the timing had been better, would I have taken this opportunity? I would have been scared of the commitment, the challenges which would be greater than any previous challenge I have faced. It would be for a year and the context which I know but which is still so strange to me would challenge me immensely! But it is also an opportunity that lies so close to my heart. It represent exactly the challenges that all my ambitions and dreams involve… saying goodbye to the comfortable life in Denmark, saying goodbye to my family and friends here to go out in the world and do what I dream to do. It involves a rollercoaster lifestyle, situations where I have no idea what to do except that I know I have to do something… It involves trusting people who I have no idea if I can trust because I need them and can’t do anything without them. It involves failure and disappointments over the things I didn’t do, I didn’t achieve or didn’t do good enough…

Still I wish I dared… and I wish I could convince myself that timing is irrelevant when an opportunity that one just has to pursue arise….

Most people would think I am crazy if I pursue this opportunity… if I gave up what I have now in order to do so…. But at the same time I think most of the people would not be surprised that I consider it… however, I know that it would have to be myself who take such decision, my own dream which should make me overcome my fear, my trust in my dream and myself…

Oh I wish I dared…. I wish I dared dream for real!!!!

One needs to dare dreaming even when one can’t act on it right away

I have previously told you about how I am now living my dream. But when living one dream, another one is formed. I am now living and working in Copenhagen. You could say that I am daily working on finding the best solutions to some of the global challenges that our society faces. I feel privileged and I am happy to live in Copenhagen which is a city where I can enjoy life, ensure a decent living and getting into the field that I am passionate about. But I also feel restless. I feel distanced from the realities of the people I want to help. I feel too comfortable and a little bit bored. A new a dream is being formed…

When an idea is set in your heart, when a dream is being formed… what do you do?

You may choose to always keep it to yourself in your heart because you’re afraid it will get ruined if other people may question it or that it will simply lose its shine when outspoken. You may be afraid someone else will take it and act on it before you can. You may keep it as a sweet reminder when things get too tough around you, keeping you warm by promising you that one day you will act on it –but that day may just never come.

Or you may tell everybody about it, make it big and glamorous and get high on other people’s recognition and respect when you tell about your dream. You may constantly plan how you will act on your dream and keep adding new details to the dream which grows the dream bigger and bigger. One day the dream may get so big that you tell yourself that it is time to be realistic and forget about it. For some time you forget about the dream and then a new dream comes by and you repeat the same with this… and so it continues…

The difference lies in acting on your dreams.

But what makes you actually act on your dream? And when you can’t act straight away on your dream, what makes you keep your promise to yourself to act on it? I wish to somehow make sure that my dream will become real. That I will act on it when time comes for it. But I can’t be sure… For now my dream can only be a dream. Time will show if my dream will become more than that. Till then I have to believe in my dream, take the small steps which will get me closer to realizing it…  

I need to dare dreaming even when I can’t act on them right away.

Changing one person's life at a time -is it enough?

Wish I could be happy with changing just one person’s life at a time… It would be so much easier… but maybe it would be too easy. Maybe it would be more realistic. But is it ambitious enough?

Life is beautiful –but do you really need to slow down to enjoy it?!

I am the kind of person who enjoys being busy –that’s when I feel I live the most, I get the most out of my life and I am not wasting a minute… but sometimes when I am  busy living, I also forget to recognize how beautiful life is…. I am busy seeing all kind of people and not paying enough attention to the individual conversation, the silent moment with a good friend or family member, the new and interesting people I meet all the time or the old friends who may need me or who I may need but I forget or don’t find the time to share my thoughts and feelings with. I sometimes get so busy doing all kind of things, working, volunteer work, exercise and so on, that everything get so sqeezed into my schedule that there is no time for enjoying the sunshine, to do something impulsive, for thinking about why I am doing what I am doing and if I am really doing what I should be doing.

Sometimes it takes all my energy and I feel it is  too much… but I would not want to swap it for a quite life… A life where I would have to choose to only do some of the things which I am passionate about, or only see some of the people who I love or only see people I already know.

Right now my life is a bit overwhelming with all the things going on, with all the new people I am getting to know, and with finding my spot here in the grown-ups’ world. But I like to believe that when I am getting more use to all this then I will be busy but I will also find the moments for silence, for thinking, for sharing and for recognizing the beauty of my life. At least I hope so because I love being busy and when I have a moment for clearing my thoughts I know that I would not want it to be different.

Missing my girls

This post is dedicated to some very special people –my girls…

Nothing makes life so beautiful as good friends.

These are the girls I have told my deepest secrets, shared my dreams and plans with, cried and laughed with.

I have left them several times when I have been travelling… I have missed them as well! But this time it feels different…  I always knew where to find them and that they would still be there when I returned. This time they are all over the place and I am here in Copenhagen, intending to stay here and they are intending to stay more or less where they are…

I use to meet with them during the summer in the park and have bubble-wine and chill out. Or meet for a coffee in the cafeteria at Uni or a café, talking about guys, frustrations with the studies or all the other duties we have. We use to get together for dinner at one of ours places.

This was then. Now we are either in different places or our lifes have changed to become busy with job and other duties. Our friendships are no less important or strong but things will never be the same. Now we meet during weekends for a party, a dinner or a cup of coffee or we talk over the phone…

I wish they were here with me in Copenhagen and we would have more time together. To meet in the park on a sunny Sunday, for a coffee in a café, for dinner and red wine, for shopping, for the cinema or a good movie at home… Some of them are here… but many of them are not… I will meet new great people, but they will never replace my girls.

When times have turned hard on me, these girls have been on my side. These are the girls who never judged me for whatever I have done. These are the girls who may think I am a bit crazy but who always support me in whatever plan or dream I tell them about.

 “A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are.”

This post is dedicated to my girls; Anne ,Bibi, Edith, Lene, Line, Maria, Stine and Stinne

Miss you girls ;)

Following my dream

I have a dream. I have never really known exactly how to fulfill this dream. Neither have I been in the position where I could dedicate myself completely to it. I have had to learn. I have had to develop. Now I am the point where I can dedicate myself 100% to my dream. Still I didn’t know how I would end up doing so. Often we only have a very small range of ideas about how we can fulfill our dreams and depending on your creativity, flexibility and maybe also your dream, then you may have more ideas about how one can follow that dream. However, often chances are also involved… And sometimes opportunities open your eyes for what could be the road for you to follow that dream

When I studied economics, I wanted to find a way where I could utilize my knowledge about economics to improve the situation in the world and help the people who are less fortunate. I wanted the impact to be great in scale, I wanted it to really matter. I wanted my efforts to make a real change.  I thought maybe the foreign affairs ministry, Danida, UN, or NGOs were my opportunities. I started to consider social business as a more likely option for me though because I really see potential here. However, none of these should end up being my first step.

By chance maybe, I have encountered an opportunity I had never considered before. What was for me still undefined suddenly is reality. It really matters to have a dream. To strive for something even when one doesn’t know how to follow it because when the right opportunity is right in front of you, you’ll know! I don’t know what the next steps will be after this first one, but I know something will come up…

Not knowing the next steps should never be an excuse for not following your dream!

I am grateful!

Life is full of ups and downs and thus it is so much more important to recognize, embrace and enjoy the ups -these moments and events which make all sorrows disappear and give hope.

My family has for almost half a year lived with fear and worries. We were suddenly reminded how fragile life is, how important it is to enjoy every single moment we have together, how important it is to show our love to each other and to create good memories for the future which is uncertain.

We react differently on situations like these as well as we react differently when we receive good news. Last week my family received the news that my dad has recovered and got rid of his cancer – we were hugging each other. We were big smiles, which made the people around us smile, and some of us had happy tears in our eyes. This was a moment of pure happiness and relieve. This was the moment we had almost not dared to hope for! And I will be grateful for this moment forever. Because even though sad events will come in the future as well, then I will always keep this happy moment in my heart. We never know when happiness will be taken away from us. It can happen from one moment to another. But this is life! And without the sad moments, we would not recognize and be as grateful for the happy moments.

I believe part of the key to living a happy life is to let the bad moments give even more power to the good moments and let the good moments stay in your hearts to overshine the bad moments. To let the good moments be fuel for hope and let the hope survive even during very difficult periods. And choose to be happy!

When I went to Bangladesh despite my dad being seriously ill my dad did not only ensure me an amazing experience in Bangladesh but he taught me that life goes on no matter how difficult it seems. And when you know life goes on no matter what then you should also know that there will be good moments again. I am grateful for my dad having recovered his illness. I am grateful for my loving family. I am grateful for having learned that life goes on no matter what. I am grateful for the happy moments!

 I AM GRATEFUL!!  

New Context, same content…

All day yesterday my father, my mother and I were moving from one point to another –for my new chapter to start... Today I have all day moved things around, unpacking and setting up... to create the right context for my new chapter... It is all new and yet it seems so familiar... the context has changed but the content is the same... Still no job, still spending way too much time on Facebook and still something or someone is missing...

It is funny how we define ourselves... When presenting ourselves we tell our name, what we do for living and maybe how old we are, where we live and whether we’re in a relationship. Do we stick deeper then we may also tell where we have travelled, who our friends are, what music we like... And then maybe when we get closer with someone we tell them about our dreams...

Are these things really defining us?

If we suffered from amnesia...who would we then be? ...if we couldn’t tell any of these things because we didn’t remember....  Would we be nobody then? Does it matter what our name is, what we do for living and what music we like for determining who we are?

Would our dream still survive amnesia or could it change? I feel my dreams are a big part of me and who I am. But are they any different from any of the other points? If our dreams are not reflected in our actions and our behaviour –do they really matter then? And when they are reflected in our actions and behaviour –they are translated into something similar to the other points... they are then reflected in what we do for living, where we live, who our friends are etc... So I guess it is all part of who we are...

I have changed my context but my content is still the same... I hope my dream will be reflected in who I am. I hope my dream will be part of who I am.

Are we all the person we want to be? And are we living the lives we want to live?

The only ones to answer this question and to do something about it are ourselves. I like to be a realistic idealist who is doing what is the best for the people around me and the society. However sometimes everything is not that straight forward.

So what should guide us in the pursuit? Our brains, our hearts or the rules and norms of our society?

When we follow our brains we may come up with the rational best solution but what about forgiveness, kindness, humanity and all the other irrelational, yet important factors as well? When we follow our hearts, we may want the best for others, we may stay true to ourselves but we may also get fooled, we may make too irrational conclusions, and in the end harm more people than help them as we have not analyzed the whole situation. When we follow the rules and norms of our society, we may always be able to justify our actions because we can refer to the rules and norms, we may have a common ground with others. But we may also be too rigid in our decisions and actions. We may miss out on great opportunities and we may be blind to the fact that the rules and norms are not the right ones to follow.

Life is not easy and nobody promised us it would be. Being who we want to be and live the life we want to life constantly requires that we consider our actions and the consequences of our actions. What may have seemed the right decision when it was analyzed in regard to both brain, heart and rules and norms, may no longer be valid. It may have seemed the right decision when trade-offs were consider between the three directions. However, everything changes… and old actions need to be reconsidered, new actions may be required… Only when one denies to reevaluate ones actions and decisions or when one is blind to what the true consequences have been then the person is losing sight of who the person wants to be.

To be a realistic idealist it requires of me that I find the balance between all the three directions. I need to rethink them and still be humble to their original forms. I will make mistakes along the way. Those who do not make mistakes have not taken great enough chances.  My challenge is to realize my mistakes, try to correct them and move on to the next decision and action.

Our greatest mistake would be to let our previous mistakes hold us back from taking the needed and the right decisions in the future.  I have a dream, and nothing should stop me from keep pursuing it!

The unfamiliar life back in Denmark

Life back home in Denmark is now almost as strange and unfamiliar to me as life in Dhaka was. Life in Denmark used to be busy…studying, doing AIESEC work, living my life in Aarhus –on my own… meeting up with friends and dreaming of what would come when I finally would finish my studies.

I have studied for 20 years!!! But that has come to an end... Now I am looking for a job –a real job, the job where I will contribute to ensuring the people around the world a better life, a life with opportunities, freedom and hope…. But it is so much more difficult than I thought it would be… it is actually good, as it is difficult because so many people want to contribute to this, so many people want the same kind of job as I do…

Besides that, life in Denmark now is here and there and everywhere… I don’t have my own place… I live with my parents again –as a 27 year old graduate I live with my parents again! But it is not as bad as it could be… I enjoy being able to spend some time with my parents, play cards, cook for and with them, help cleaning and just being together –it has been a while after all. And then I get to visit my friends for a bit in Aarhus and in Copenhagen –living with them and getting close to them…. I don’t want to say “again”, because I actually don’t feel that I got distanced to them this time, they were always close by, they knew that I needed them even though I was far away… That’s the beauty of true friendships, that distance doesn’t matter...

Life in Denmark, now also means being AIESEC Alumni –standing on the side and watching new people running the organization and taking it the next step…. I’m proud of them … And even though I can’t help getting a little bit involved and always join the discussions about the strategy and the future of the organization, then I truly enjoy this new position. Next weekend I will witness the new generation of AIESEC Denmark leadership body getting elected… and I am so so proud of my successor who is applying for the National President position and I am sure he will do an amazing job if he gets elected!!

But my life in Denmark is so not busy as it used to be… and that’s what is difficult for me to adjust to and accept… I feel I am wasting my time… I can do small projects on the side… but when I am this super motivated, when I have these dreams, when I have taken this education –then I also want and need to use it!

 If I am not given the opportunity to do so then I have to create the opportunity…  

I never say goodbye...

It is quite some time ago that I wrote a draft for a ”I never say goodbye...” post for my blog. But whatever I wrote seemed incomplete. I was not able to describe how the experience in Bangladesh had touched me and how much the people mean to me.

However I still feel it is worth trying… and thus I will post what I managed to write back then.

My time in Bangladesh is slowly coming to an end…. I would be fooling myself and everybody else if I was saying that I am not happy to finally be returning to Denmark. I have missed my home, my family and my friends for a long time now and I feel that everything will only be right when I am together with them again.

However, turning around the old saying; that whenever a door closes, another opens… then whenever a door opens, another closes….

Throughout my time here in Dhaka I have met so many great people. I have been so lucky to be part of an organization  (AIESEC)–which is more than a travel agency- which creates relations across borders…  Through this organization, I have in a very short time got to know so many local Bangladeshi students that other people have even noticed and commented on it. But I have not only met the local Bangladeshi students through this organization, , I have shared my room with a Japanese and a Dutch girl, I have lived with Chinese (Hong Kong), Australian, Italian, Indian and Austrian students. I have met up with Columbians and German interns. I have shared a huuuge experience with each of these people. In addition I have met a lot of passioned students at Grameen Bank who all will go back to their countries as well.  And as you know from my previous post, I have randomly met people who also contributed to a great extent to this experience…Without those people, my experience would not have been the same!

And now the experience is coming to an end… I have this strange feeling because I know most of these people will only belong to this exact time and place… most of them I will never see again!

I never like endings… It’s the same with a good book or movie… even when it has a happy ending –as I believe my experience in Dhaka will have and even when I’m already looking forward to the new beginning –then the fact that now will never be again is sad. And as there’s nothing I can do or actually want to do about then I rather jump straight to the next chapter… The last few days is self-torturing…

However, I remind myself that I never say goodbye, I say “see you later”… because even if most of the people only belong to here and now then it is up to myself –if I want to see some of them again, I can make sure to do so.

Now I have jumped to the new chapter which I will write a post about as soon as possible (who knows, maybe tonight). And I can only say, I miss all my dear friends and I even sort of miss Dhaka :)

See you all again, some day, my dear friends!